End of 2009

Great!!!
Another year had passed and everyone is aiming for new hope, new life, new opportunities and new targets. I'm one of them too. Wanted to aim as high as I could and make the success come along my way. I've threw away all the sadness inside me and all the hate-ress as well. It's ok if no one ever understand what I'm thinking because Buddha had created me in the uniqueness way. I love him and I'm sure he loves me too. And not forgotten my lovely parents that guided me since I was a baby.
2009- I've achieved one of my greatest dream which is I've graduated from Diploma...haha....although diploma is just the beginning of life, I'm just very proud of myself, with my CGPA 3.50 and above...and I've always feeling thankful for what I've achieved. Other wishes which were not yet achieved, it's ok, I'll keep on trying and I really hope, Buddha will always be with me. I might be selfish for asking Buddha only keep an eye on me, because I know I wasn't as perfect as you...
I'll keep my hand cross for all of my friends and I'm really glad that although I've not learn much in the year 2009, all of my friends n family are still here with me although one of my Grandpa (lao ku) just passed away early November.
Forget the past and look forward, other can do it, You can do it too Wendy.
Wish myself all the best and for all of you stay happy like I do.
Stay cheer~~~~~ muaks..... XD

Misses my younger time!!!

WHEN CAN I BE CURED? I'M LOST!!!
I've met pirates during my sailing time. Those pirates were so cruel. They didn't kill me but tided me up with a rope and threw me into the sea. I can hardly breathe and I see many poison reptilians swimming in front of my eyes. Those reptile wanted to bit me, but thank God, I was save under his arms. When those pirates pull me out from drowning, I started to keep malice and wanted to revenge till the fullest. Where the hack those pirates come from. Can't they see that I've no money nor foods for them? And again, I'm weapon-less. When the malice inside me become stronger and stronger, I ignored everyone that come to me. I confused. Are they good or bad guys. I can't differentiate it correctly.
That's life. When you feel that your life is getting nearer to the achievement, barrier(s) will come(s) in. Hardly predict. If you were a smart one, you might be alive from those pirates, but if you are totally the opposite one, please say bye bye earlier. I'm the opposite one, and I've already say bye bye but how come I can't see my ending road yet?

????

I started to become quiet in the family, quiet because of too much pressure or because of tiredness,I have no idea. There is a sentence say, "everybody makes mistakes; that's why they put erasers on pencils". I found the sentence meaningful and so true about me. I know I'm kind of person who keep repeating the same mistake yet I can't figure out the mistake I've done. All the sadness in me I prefer to discover by other rather than speak it out and that's the reason why I dislike forcing as I know the ending of the forcing might end up ugly. I'm 100% sure that there is no one really understand me where I can't even know myself.
Today, Buddha has given me another chance of living where I should have now laying in the hospital if the motorcyclist doesn't hold his break. Is Buddha's decision right for giving me the chance as I feel I don't deserve it. Honestly speaking I'm too weak to continue my life too weak to find another way for my journey. But I really feel Thankful for that chance. The weaker will soon become herself I guess.......no matter what, I will still protecting myself.

Disatisfaction

Why me? Why me? Why me?
I feel unfair to do all the jobs. I have to do the cleaning, the take-over/replacement, and all unwanted job. I feel tired to go on. The fact is I have choices but why you just don't let me try it. You make me feel that I'm useless,nonindependent, and a loser in everything. You should know when to let go of me instead of asking me to be by your side. If you want, I can hire a servant to help you out. Please don't tell everyone that you are doing good for me because you make feel that I can't live without you. Why my happy mood always spoiled by you? Am I not good enough for you? I know you are good to me but it's too over. Why must you tell everyone the good things that you have done? Can't you just keep quiet and do it silently? I feel bored, motion-less and speechless. The love that I used to give has become sympathy. The angry-ness in me has become my habit. Wherever I saw you, that's my attitude to you. Am I not enough toleration? Or you gave me too much of toleration until I disobey you? Do you ever know that whenever I mad of you, my heart is hurting? NO one understand why my attitude turns in a blink of an eye. The madness in me has reached 99%, afraid I might gone up to 101%.
I don't want to be a housewife. I wanted to concentrate in my studies because I need times to adjust my study skill. I'm not a fast learner like other.
Maybe I'm brave-less to object but I only have braveness in showing my habit.
I did complaint but it seems worst from time to time. You did it on purpose? How come I feel you hand me most of your job to me?? I really can't take it anymore because I feel the pain on my body. Can I reject and live my life that I wanted to be? I just can't make it because I know you are suffering. If I feel pitiful to you then who feel pitiful to me? If so then the evil would be me. I'm not trying to be heroin but I'm trying to protect myself.

Is lying a good medicine?

I feel lucky to be myself yet I feel shameful of being myself. My stupidity make me feel/look foolish, uncomfortable, idiotic, edu-less, unconfident, guilty in most of the things I did and looks like a clown in everyone’s mind. I lost my status from the early in the beginning when my story-line starts. I feel homeless that my body always feeling the wetness when the rain pours, I feel the empty-nest inside myself and also loneliness in me. Totally no idea where I learned it from. I'm getting older and older by passing this life-cycle. Life is short yet I'm wasting it without a stop sign. I'm looking for the U-turn sign to give me a chance to look deeper into the sea. When I found that sign, I found a hungry shark as well, waiting for me to feed him. I'm strength-less to find him foods. What I can do is, offering myself to make his meal full with happiness. Sometimes, staying in the shark's stomach is far better than staying beside the border. At least I found a clearer picture in where I am now. Adventuring is no longer lasting in my journey list because I couldn't find a correct path for every journeys in my list. The guilty-ness always playing his role so well that I couldn't reach out help. Or I can say dislike help. Babies grow become adult, chicks grow become chickens, kittens grow become cats and puppies grow become dogs but where am I belong? Who's controlling my soul so well? Snakes hiss, lions roar, cows moo, and ducks quack, all of the sound sound sweetly yet I'm still searching for my very own voice with confusing map. "Human are not 100% perfect" this is how I'm staying my life with it.

Success??

Slowly I'm moving into darkness. Slowly I'm moving out from where I am.
Everything that I have done seems not in the right time and not in the right place, slowly losing my confident, slowly, slowly stepping out from where I belong. I still couldn't find the right direction to my lost ship. My container slowly runs out of petrol. HOW and WHERE or WHO can I get a compass, so that I can sail out, to sail to the right destination before my ship is sinking?? Pirates are everywhere. Even a knowledge limited person knows pirates are evil that kill freely. Am I able to reach my point before I get caught by the pirates??

I'm getting colder and colder in the dark place. All the prayers that I used to pray, no longer exist because my heart was no longer sincere to ask forgiveness from Buddha. Even if I ask, it's just a liar which Buddha hated the most. Where is my Sincerity?

Looking at "Buddha" that turns his back to me makes me feel useless and homeless. Tears drip off pail by pail. I couldn't walk but craw hardly on the ground, hands shivering, legs become iced and body full of wounds.
I've tried to gain my sincerity, but I failed, I failed to do so. I know my mistake but I don't know my mistake. I really wanted to land on the beaches and I hope I can make it, but I need Your guidance.
Will You give me Your guidance without my sincerity? Will You ever come close to me if I'm a devil? Will You still be guiding me if You know my weaknesses?
I'm so sorry Buddha. I don't have the sincerity and faith in myself.

I know, I know Heaven doesn't belong to me, Hell either. I don't want to be a homeless spirit. But I'm not a great fighter and I don't know how to fight. Where am I going to find my strength and weapons? If I have a weapon with me, do I know how to fight? Where is my shelter if the rain pours on me on the ocean?
WHERE and HOW am I supposed to seek the answers to?

Sweet memory gone

I've been wasted my life since I was born. Ever since I was a kid, my family, uncles and aunties used to love me, play with me and their teases were just a joked around. But then i realized it is not as what I've thought "jokingly tease". Many things that had happened couldn't explain using explanation. There are also mistakes that you have done yet still repeating the same one. Many people thought that experiences can teach someone a lesson, teach them how to grow and make them stronger. But I am totally not the supporter for this statement. Supposing, experiences teach someone to grow stronger and able to make the right decisions but it aren't ended up that way, sad to say, evilly spreading and miss-used those experiences that given to them.

Each and every single of us has the right to choose on our paths and speak for our opinion, unfortunately, there is who intentionally blocked those happiness from flowing to other. Experiences taught them to be demons that unwillingly let the happiness flow to others. Experiences taught them to be selfish that grabbed people's right without asking permission. Experiences taught them to be fighters to won every battle that is illegal. So, tell me, can I ever forgive such a savage and dishonorable person? Of course, if I was a blind one. My stupidity has given them the chance to concur my life. When I am in that situation, my temper will just blast out. But no one seems to understand why am I acting childishly. I couldn't fight because I am weapon-less. I just don't understand how come the blood that we are having in our body could actually created such unreasonable acts. The outsiders are laughing at us. Can't you all see that? I just don't understand why are you sitting down so quietly yet the war is coming to you.

Stop evil

Can a fetus grow without sperm and ovum?
Can a baby run without started off crawling and walking?
Can a plant grow without water and carbon dioxide?
Or can a car move without engines and petrol?
Why not? Those things can happen but only through your imagination NOT the fact.

Sometimes, when the sperm and ovum join together, there's no guarantor that the fetus can grows perfectly when there's a prove of syndrome.
Sometimes, a baby couldn't run even though he knows how to craw and walk when there's a prove of accident.
Sometimes, a plant could not grow healthily no matter how hard you water it when there's a prove of bugs.
Sometimes a car could not reach its' speed when there is a prove of mechanic.
Can all these barriers erase or block from destroying the hope? Sure, a business student always has planning, developing and implementing in mind.

When a hope is being destroyed, there's no meaning continuing the useless end.
When a hope is being created without good materials of supporting, a hope will still remain as a bad ending.
When a hope is given to you without appreciation, a hope can still be faded away, sooner or later.
When a hope is not in your hand, conflict and chaos started to burst like an earthquake.
Human never learn from mistake instate pointing finger to other but without realization fingers are on your side.

If the hope is a good ending, this hope can still be considerate.
If an evil hope can turns into shinier hope, there's no wrong of giving a second chance.
If this hope has got the term of exchanging, still worth trying.
If this hope is hopeless, tears can be an inflow.
Devil must always be either party A or party B to keep the storyline going and playing to the never ending road.

Forgive & Forget

I thought I was an open-minded person but I was wrong. Recently, my mind full of revenges. I started to think negatively and nothing seems perfect to me. I couldn't stop myself from crying everytime I thought of failing in my life. Every words that I spoke and every actions that I did seem so imperfectly flowing. I tried to be myself, tried to be strong, tough and calm when handling stuffs. And again, I failed. I just don't have the ability to be myself. I knew that every human has their own uniqueness yet I felt I had nothing. Year 2009 is going to end soon. Sooner or later I'll grow 21. And so far, what have I done in my life? NOTHING. Oh yea, I learn REVENGES.
I thought I was able to re-start my wholly negative way of life. Again, I end up in the same position of me. The feeling of lost, lonely and dissatisfied are playing their part so well in my mind. They are conquering me and I couldn't get rid of it. The feeling of stabbing with a knife into my heart is so painful. And now, my body feel so weak where I can't even sit on a chair. My legs freezed and made me can't even move.
As I grow older, the word of "HELP" seems useless to me. Neither friendship nor trustworthy, they aren't exist to me anymore. BUT who knows what will happen tomorrow? No one knows until the end of the day.
Buddha bless.......

I feel lost

Recently, I felt myself lost, like a boat, sailing without a clear direction. I couldn't describe how exactly I feel now, but what I know is, there's no direction in my vision. Sometimes, I afraid that I might gone into a wild world that could destroyed other people's life. I really don't want that to happen. I used to love to help other people but not now. The now me is like, I want everything good keep just to myself and dislike sharing. I just don't know why, when come into problems, I avoid them quickly without even bother to give a helping hand or something that might help.
The word "selfish" is mastering myself, controlling me and I feel really lost and out of mind. I keep on scolding others yet I forget to mirror on myself.
The word "helping" make me feel annoyed. I felt people around me is faking, so am I. People willingly fake just to get what they want! Either am I.
Friends are getting far away and away. Am I avoiding them or they avoiding me? I think both. Sometimes, I even call myself bad lucker because I caused most of the unhappily memories for my friends. Yea, I admit that I'm not alert enough, I used to take actions without thinking twice and almost what I've done nothing comes out perfectly. I guess, I'm avoiding my friends because of this. Or is it I afraid they create problems for me? I don't know which am scared of.
And recently, I've just started my degree course and it cost me a lot. I couldn't apply scholarship because I wasn't an active student. LOAN?? I've already taken for my diploma level and half was left over for my degree and the other half was still figuring.
Mum always told me that she works hard to earn more money for my studies. And seeing her like that my heart was so painful. I am already a diploma holder and base on my qualification I don't really can find job easily because the economy was in downturn. Adding to it, there is a barrier for me to look for a job. I really feeling lost. LOST LOST LOST. I have a problem, and I just can't figure out a good and nice way to solve yet I'm using a harsh way to overcome it. Plus I'm a easily get guilty person can't go far. I just don't have the confident in me I guess.
Or I'm a coward? I couldn't think now because my head is spinning. Twisting non-stop that drive me crazy.
I didn't wish to become a devil but recently I think I have to accept this characteristic. Before I can go on my life, the very first thing that I wanted to say is "Thank You" to both my parents, without them I am not who I am. To friends, I appreciated all the kindness you gave me. If I couldn't pay back all my debt, I might be on high penalty right?
I don't know what might happen to me tomorrow, the day after, next year, next two years and so on, what I know is my heart will never changed although my mind changed but trust me in one thing that I'll always love you guys. Although I'm a good pretender but loving one another is a must for me. Caring for each other is also a must for me. But recently, I just couldn't answer why I get bored of it. Too much caring can leads to suffering. This time I choose to be the demon.
People said, I'm a happy-go-lucky person, then I am. People said, I'm a selfish and coward, then I am. No matter what people say about me, I hope I can get through it.
As long as I feel happy, that's more than enough. I am who I am, I hate toleration. I don't like toleration, so don't try to tolerate me.
You guys might not understand what I'm thinking, is alright, because I have my very own blog which I can drop all the joyous and pleasure data in it. Hopefully, the lost feeling could find the way back.
BE YOURSELF, WENDY!!!

Feeling came back to me.

Sometimes, I felt myself silly for waiting miracle to happen.
Almost half a year, I almost forget about him and his shadow is almost fade away in my heart. Why he exist in front of me again? Why he sms me again? WHY WHY WHY?? He made me miss him so much yet he made me hate him so much. When I saw him last Friday, I felt really happy yet my heart is hurting. Yes, I admit that, I still have feeling towards him. His smiles and the way he talk to me, always playing in my mind. When I woke up from my sleep, I always wish that he could be here with me. Yes, I always dream of being with him.
Sometimes, I even dream of the future between two of us, two of us living together happily ever after. Too bad, I was not holding any character of the Disney, or else my dream would come true. How I wish the fairy tale stories could just happen on me. How I wish I am the Sleeping Beauty or a Cinderella or or the Beauty that the Beast turned into a charming prince and live happily ever after (yeah...girls' dream of being the lucky ones and make the other girls jealous on her).
Haha... watching too much of fairy tale stories. BUT is a good thing isn't it? If a person has a dream there is a hope. If there is a hope then there is a life.
Alright alright, I knew the fairy tale stories are just tales that bring happiness for the kids. How old am I? Are you nut? Or are you still a kid?
Why? Why couldn't I make myself clear that he doesn't belongs to me? Why couldn't i stop thinking of him? Why? Why? Why? Can someone tell me? This is my second time of falling in love. And the feeling of secretly falling in love is so suffered. Even the feeling of an unanswered question is killing me either.
I'm a dummy. Dumm for not waking up and fit myself to this world. I knew, I knew that this relationship won't come true but I still hoping for it to happen. Am I silly? Silly for waiting and dreaming and hoping for it to happen for miracle to bounds on me.
Whatever it might happen to this world or whatever it might happen on me whether im changing into demon or angel, my heart will always remain the same and my wishes for the love one will still remain the same which it " (....."whisperring"......).
Although I felt dissapointed, but I'm glad that Buddha still giving me the feeling which represent I'm a normal human being that still contain love in myself. I promise to give all my heart on you Buddha.
I hope I can walk bravely towards my journey without any regrets.

~SMILE! Tommorrow will be a better day than today!~

Pantun Buat Ayahku Sempena Hari Bapa

Ada ubi ada keledek itu namanya,
Hendak seratus tetapi seribu dibuang,
Tak pernah ku mengerti kegigihannya,
Sehingga kini ku besar panjang.

Masa berlalu sekilas renung,
Hari yang pedih diganti tuan,
Susah-payah hanya ditanggung seorang,
Senang-lenang dicemburi jiran.

Beliau gagah lagi peramah,
Beliau bijak lagi penyayang,
Tanpa beliau siapakah tuan rumah,
Tanpa beliau siapakah hendak dikenang.

~~Ayah, engkaulah idola ku buat selama-lamanya~~

Black and White Friends

Who am I without a family?
Who am I without a teacher?
And who am I without a bunch of friends?
I am nobody without them.

Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Slow Learner, and the story goes like this;
It's a pleasure to have friends in kinder garden. We used to dance, sing, play and eat together. When grew up, another group of friends is waiting with their open arms.
What about the kinder garden's friends?
All of us went into different type of life. All of the laughter that we used to have, gone by the wind. Care wasn't take in much because she was a dummy, didn't understand the meaning of "friendships".
When entered into secondary, the mind, little by little, changed into what we called maturity. A slow learner can't learn thing fast that's why she was given a nickname Slow Learner, what she can do is, she doesn't even knows where is her mistake. Even a simple English like 'tongue' she can't even says it correctly.
Again, entering into new environment is something fun for her because no one knows her. Nobody knows what type of girl she is. Most touches her heart was, she can finally get a good result from the help of her friends. Plus her hardworking job had pulled her heart close to Buddha and learned hundreds of new things.
When she learns how to build up a "Friendship" with her new friends, she heard the little voice of 'such a lousy presentation, don't deserve to get high marks', had melted her heart.
And she told herself "your senses were right: no sincerity in this world".
Luckily, Buddha loves her very much. He offered her another group of friends which, they had taught her a thousand of new things in reality. With the support of the New Group offered by Buddha, she felt release and thankful to them.
Problems come and go. She has lost her trust toward everyone. She's no more sincere compared last time. She became more coward. She's trying to avoid everyone that get near her. And now she's like a lost ship sailing on the ocean.
From that day onward, she has divided friends into two: black and white. It's good if the black can turns into white but not the opposite way.
The slow learner must have learn her lesson. Will Slow Learner DESERVE a good ending in her life?

My first blog

This is my first day of jotting down my history in 'blogger'. If you think your mind is just like mine, you can just stay to connect with me. If no, I don't mind you may just leave and good luck to you. I don't mind how you judge on me, but one thing for sure is, I AM WHO I AM. Don't try to change me, and i bet you never have the chance to do so.
Does anyone knows how I lived all these years? I guess no one knows maybe not even a single one who care about it. Well, lets leave it to faith, if Buddha really loves me, he will send his 'tian se' to guide me, and if He doesn't, I'll ask and seek for His' guidance because 'Everything that happened, had its own reason(s)'.
Trust in your Buddha, God, or Allah and tide your heart with Him and He will bring you out from your darkness.
Yes, I admit that my life isn't that perfect although i trusted in Buddha, but I believe He's making me stronger everytime I fall.
Life is like a sun that shines all day long, a stage that to gain experience, a mountain that represent ups and downs, a bird that fly freely but a tree that couldn't move at all (yup, stay forever in a same old place) or a rose that contains love and etc.
Again, I admit, I wasn't that strong to handle the mountain's life because I tend to point out my first finger to the other party if anything wents wrong, yet, I've totally forgotten that there are three more fingers (except thum) are pointing back at myself until my lecturer Ms. Devi told me. And trust me, I'm trying my very very best to get over it because human are like a car, can go for repairing if the engines spoil. In the future, just make sure take good care of the engine in order to save time and money as well. I might be naive, but what's so wrong about naive?