I thought

Childish always refers on me. I thought I was kind enough that puts on other first before myself. But I was wrong. I wasn't thought of other but myself. Sometimes, what you've done you might not realized. You thought you were thinking of other but other don't think so. Sometimes, caring can end up fucking because you were being over protective that no one ever wants that. Situation that I ain't thought of happen everytimes not at the same place and it makes me feel suck and fool of myself. I thought they were suck and yes they do, but I ever sucker than them. I never learn to take up advise but ignoring makes me what I am today. Road seems unclear, boat seems lost direction, goal seems blurred. I'm standing no where when I thought I've a bunch of friends with me. Is not them that ignoring me, BUT me, I'm the one that shuu them away. I ain't complaining but blaming myself for being stubborn. If I have a chance I don't want to be me. I rather be a statue that helps to creative creativeness of other than being a human that creates chaos.

Feel depress!!!

I feel so depress. No one ever knows what I desire, what I think, or how I live. Mom is always so unfair. My dad is always keeping silent. My second sister, outerly she looks nice, mature, kind, playful and helpful. But what I feel is she is just a pretender. She has a friend that can lay on and make sure her future is peacefully run on. She has a supporter. That’s why she can always avoid from doing staffs that she doesn’t want too. My eldest sister? She’s so selfish that she only cares for herself but abandon her own parents. This is what makes me so pissed off.

Dear Buddha, as you know, the only person I love on earth is my DAD!! I couldn’t see him from getting a bad feedback from other. Yet I’m treating him badly. I hate myself for being unable to protect him. But he just didn’t rise up his right but hold on on his temper that even his eldest daughter I could even slap her if I want to. Dear Buddha, I really dislike to see this scenario to continue but I just don’t know how to avoid. I want to keep my dad happy all the time, I just wanted to help him to lighten up his burden but I myself couldn’t do all that and what make me so angry was my two sisters are like a stature. Are they lazy? Blind? Or what? Dear Buddha, I alone couldn’t do all that burden to lighten up my dad. That’s why I need both my sisters’ help to help to lighten the burden. Dear Buddha, I’m tired of getting the entire job done alone. I couldn’t hold on to this situation as I have my own works too. Mom just keeps on mumble that I’m sick of it and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Dear Buddha, I’m not saying I’m filial daughter but I really don’t know what to do beside showing them my angry face when I saw my family isn’t in a harmony living. I do hate myself for being impatient but there is no one there to understand why I behaved like that. All of them just know how to get mad on me without knowing or wanting to know why I’m in such mood after all. I do feel lucky because I have such a lovely and patient dad with me and he fulfilled most of my dreams and yet I’m disappointing him for what he had in return. Dear Buddha, I really feel lost that I lost all the direction once I saw my dad in such situation. I do love my mom too but the way I love her seems like useless to her. I wanted to help her to lighten up her burden too, but she seems like I’m a slave to her. What I know is, the more I help her the more tired I’m going to be. I have emotions too I’m not a robot that can do all the jobs done for you. So please can you please stop mumble and do your jobs and order the right people to do it. Dear Buddha, I’m not saying without me they will suffered but the whole situation is I want both parties to live in harmony no chaos no quarrels. So, am I or both of my sisters who started the war first? I want my own sweet time too, but everytime I have my spare time, I would think about all the housework that are undone. Why the two of them can pretend it was none of their business? We all living in the same roof top why can’t we cooperate togetherly or take turns to do all the housework? Dear Buddha, I really feel tired to get through all this, I am worrying my future. I’m not pointing fingers at who to blame because I know my behavior more or little influence from the environment I’m living. I should blame myself for being immature thinking. Dear Buddha, am I too naïve? Am I to dependable on my parents? Or who am I? I started to lose myself. I afraid one day I might become the sting-ray that sting on innocent one. Dear Buddha, will I be the evil? Or I have to be the evil to bring back the peace in the water world? Dear Buddha, I really don’t want to lose the person I love.

Someone is avoiding me

At last I can breath, breath for a release that assignments time is over for now. But I found out that someone is avoiding me. Not to mention his/her name but the feeling is there. Am I too sensitive or alert to the surrounding? Maybe I'm too sensitive and guessing too much. In my life, many people had taken the step to avoid me. Yea, I know the reason, seriously I knew. Am kind a bored and that's the first reason why people are getting far and far away from me. Sometimes, my caring is too much that at the end of the period people will feel annoyed and fade up with me. Yet I can't just stood at a side and pretend nothing had happened. My caring sometimes annoyed but I just trying to play a friendly game, no intention on hurting or get someone into troubles. A nice word is called 'caring' if the opposite called 'busybody'. Human are funny and unpredictable. And I know I'm losing my patient-ness. I no longer want a thing to complete in a slow motion way but the faster as I can go is the best. I'm trying not to offer second time of offer yet I just can't make it. And when the second offer disagree from the party, my temper is out. Everytime I wanted to change the anger in me, I just can't. Am I too caring or busybody? And why are you avoiding me????

Am I too Dumb or too Kind??

Am I playing my role correctly?
Sometimes I really wonder why am I born into this world. Seriously, I do get great feedback for the questions I asked but not everytime. I knew life isn't perfect all the time, but I still practice negatively when something isn't good happened. Everyone wants everything to be done perfectly and yes they can make it, but I can't.
I told myself not to be so childish and playful yet I can't make it, but getting worse to worse or it can says seeing hungry ghost floating on the road. Honestly speaking, I do try my best to change. But I don't know why, when I feel the changing time,the next time, I'll change back into the old me. People out there are laughing at me,laughing for not doing my part well.
Sometimes, I really get confused. Why am I being so naive? Till now, I don't really have the answer to this question. But what I heard from everyone is that I'm too childish. Is that so? Or I'm too dumb.
Human love to play with masks but which want is the real mask behind the masks?

Should I feel happy......................... or sad??

The miracle is true when T told me I got 77 for my paper but I cannot feel the 100% happiness when I knew some of my friends were in the bad mood. Why? Why?? All of us had been trying so hard why can't all of us receive the good news. I dislike the feeling of don't know what to do to overcome the situation. Today I should feel the pleasure in me but now I realized although I got the highest I still feel depressed. Sometimes, human are ridiculous, happy yet sad, want yet don't want, flying yet saying themselves walking. Dear Buddha, again I'm lost. Lost because I don't know how to talk sweet and don't know how to overcome this feeling. I predicted that all of us can pass and R get the highest among all of us. Please, please tell me that it was a mistake that all of us can share the laughter again. I don't want to be isolated, I don't want to be famous out of sudden because I have not prepare myself and I know where my ability stands that I can't go far. Although it was my Great 21st birthday gift will I be maintained under my prediction?? I have no courage and I can't afford to lose something huge when I received something big.
Well, I think Buddha planned everything and I believe what he planned, are my goodness. I shouldn't complain much. But if there's a choice, I really hope happiness can reach everyone... No matter what, I am still who I am, I will not change I only go mature. Believe ME!!! Please do always Guide me Buddha!!!

True or Fake??

Unofficially received a miracle stated that I got 77 for my Marketing Strategy exam paper. Honestly, when I saw my mark written on the website, I was happy BUT feel ridiculous because I know where my ability stands. Of course who doesn't want such a mark. What I afraid is, putting too high hope end up higher disappointment. Until my coordinator came into class and told us that those marks stated on the website isn't real because that reveal on 1st marker only whereby it must moderate again through 2nd and 3rd markers. Luckily I never get too excited about it. Coming Wednesday, the TRUE results will be out. Will I be the lucky one to get the mark? Or mistakenly posted up wrong figure. Whatever it is, I already did my best, and I'm gonna leave it to Buddha. Hopefully all of us can pass just keep our fingers cross.

14, 15, 18, 20 Feb 2010

14 Feb: I had a wonderful day on the first day of Chinese New Year and also Valentine itself. My cousins and sisters were all enjoying but I enjoyed the most. My elder cousin spent RM80 plus plus at Starbucks and a lot of photos were taken during our outing and I do posted few of it on the Facebook.

15 Feb: San san and Jian jian came to my place. They are my Happy Angels that I can't stop wanted to hug and see them. Too adorable not to hug them. But Jian jian was crying yet so cute...just love them. And it was the most dareable thing I did on the same day of Chinese New Year. Again the group of us when to Church Street at town area to explore the night life. We bought two boxes of cigarette and a box of poker. Love that experience although I dislike to smoke.

18 Feb: My 2nd sis took me to Gurney with her friends, Munnee sis and friend, Toro, Mavis, Amanda to watch 72 Tenants (Chinese New Year movie). I had a wonderful time enjoying the day.

20 Feb: My classmates came to my house and play fireworks. I took and posted few memorable photos on my Facebook too...we laugh, we shout and enjoyed the day till fullest. We had our dinner at Little Cottage and supper at kopitiam.

Those are my special and in FEB 2010 with my cousins and sisters....XD