Exhausted

This is my 6th weeks working in D.
I love my job, my colleagues and environment over there.
Unfortunately, I can't see my future in there. Toleration given by my colleagues are too much, too much making the whole scenery become fake.
I was trying to focus and pay 100% on my work, yet I can't. I can't not because I don't want, but because I'm weak.
My weakness is too strong that sometimes I can't even bare it on myself.
I tried not to panic, not to be greedy, not to be childish and be myself.
And I realized myself is actually that loser. I'm not penalizing myself but it's the fact. I always tell other to accept the fact yet I can't see myself practicing that.
People around me always showing me their care but everytimes disappointment must occur and destroy the beautiful scene.
Christmas is near, can I make a wish to Santa and ask him to deliver it to me? If there is a Santa, there weren't poor kids hanging around the street.
I really losing my way in facing him. Am I thick skin or think too much that he's actually asking for sympathy?
I afraid he might do something crazy, out of sense and suicide.
Am I thinking it too badly?
Or I'm just assume it wrongly?
I'm not sure how long I can maintain like this, as I know my limit not left much.
I'm exhausted thinking of those silly stuffs. I wish January come quickly so that I can end my contract faster and leave peacecefully.

Too much feelings?!

I always thought, human need chances to grow, to gain deeper knowledge and make healthier living, but I was wrong. My mind is not mature enough to differentiate the right and the wrong things. I thought, I was able to carry it by myself, not until I realized, I'm a problem creator.
Yesterday, I gave a candidate a chance, to make a better living of herself, guess what? Today, what I can see is, gossips are around, appreciation wasn't in the place and humanize wasn't there as well. Was I making a wrong decision to give them chances? Thanks to my senior for giving me the opportunity to conduct the program, I guess I was not confident and not fierce enough, I failed him. Candidate Z not respecting me and not obeying me. Should or shouldn't I give her another chance? Anyway, with the yes or no answer, my senses told me, something big going to happen tomorrow? No matter what, I'm ready to face the consequences.

Happy yet guilty

I suppose to be happy but I destroyed the happiness. The feeling of disappointment is now concurring my heart, soul and mind. The innocent me, now changed to devil. Lying, cheating and pretending is my no.1 skill, I'm pro in that. I wish I have a chance to act in a drama. Definitely, I'll win the award of best liar. I have cheated and fooled the world. How can I ever did that? But don't worry, I know the justice will play fairly, the cheater will soon be caught and embarrass in front of the trillion audience. No one ever make mistake. Yes, very true context, yet I keep on doing the same mistake. When can I wake up, wake up and face the reality that I'm a loser and afraid of failure in reality? All those positive words that I had given, are pointless. Pointless from the starting. I'm tired and bored of it. I couldn't use the ability given by god appropriately. I keep on blaming and finding excuse to cover the problem one after another. I never try to stand alone. How can I turned into this bitch? I had betrayed myself.

Fun Skating Day!!!

I went skating with friends today. Previously, I can only balance myself with the roller blade after long practicing alone (without knowing how to skate), but today, I can still balancing myself and also able to skate. Not really pro type eh skate, at least I know how to skate which makes me very happy, thanks to Sweetie (my great friend and teacher)!!! I fall a lot today. Although hands hurt more but I feel happy. Embarrassment, happiness, fun, and tiredness filled my day today. Thanks to all my best friends.
Everytime when I feel down while looking into myself, those group friends of mine will cheer me up. With or without realizing, friends to me are important because I know with true friends by our side, our days can be glittering, fantastic, and most importantly, give us hope on every dark side when we look it as a hopeless side. Thank God I have those friends with me and I'm sure I have no regret complaining life is suck. I guess I'm lucky to have those friends surrounded me while they're in bad luck of meeting me. I'm praying to God, to whom I categorized as my true best friends and lovely parents and sisters, your day will be as glitter as the sequins and as shinning as the stars =D

Relaxation

I love the feeling of relaxity after a busy day. While other partying outside, I love the feeling of listening to sentimental music to cure the tiredness inside me. Sometimes, life can be tremendously sucks when someone enters your life and create hardship for you. Wherever I am, I still believe that barriers that I had in my past will make me grow stronger and barriers that coming up will wider up my knowledge to adapt to the changing environment. But (there's always a BUT in life when we afraid we might not be able to cope with the environment), I still couldn't find the right path for me to move further step ahead me. I dislike seeing the one I love hurt the most and I never wish to see something that hurt my eyes. Yet, I saw many insincere actions do happen and people do practice what shouldn't be done. What is this all about? Is it gaining own satisfaction is much more important than bringing happiness to other? Honestly speaking, I'm not complaining or finding an excuse but seriously I'm tired. Sometimes, in the relaxation I do make daydream but those dream are just for self-satisfaction, although some people might find it a waste of time.

Just complaining around

I never like to treat people unfairly because to me everyone is equal, stay under the same protection of Buddha. To me I want everything to be perfect and if anything went wrongly, I’ll point out my fingers. I tried to learn not to blame and I tried to change myself since advices are hard to swallow. But I failed. And all things started went negatively that not even a space left for positive side. My attitude, mind, soul, spirit is like not belongs to me anymore. I started to throw my tempered as I wish. I do thought of their feelings but who care about me? I become complainer and I know I hate complainer as much as other did, but my thinking is uncontrollable. I started to feel that there is no fairness in this world as human created the laws and the laws follow human. I hardly search for fairness as fairness gave satisfactions and respective. Looks like I’m too naïve that fairness does not even exist. I tried to ask for guidance but not all my prayers were answered. But I never search for the corrections. Yes I admit. I learned from my mistakes although not every mistake I can remember but I realized that I never do corrections. Is this why my prayers weren’t answered? But I feel tired when I knew human were greedy and taking advantages. I never say I’m the only perfect girl in the world but the world is so dangerous that if you don’t know the game you’re out of the game as a loser or game over. I just want a peaceful life with no selfishness, greediness and cruelness. I hate when no initiative were taken to complete the knowing problems. Success for me is like far behind me that I couldn’t reach no matter how I wanted it so much. I’m tired of being the understandable when my understandable always a misunderstood one. Is satisfaction always starting with selfishness? And why can’t it be sharing, helping and loving to gain the satisfaction? Why must most of the satisfaction begin with hatress and the hatress ended with revenge? I really don’t understand why I must care all of these when human being is so scary. If this is the ending I rather not to be matured which might end up a killer.

I thought

Childish always refers on me. I thought I was kind enough that puts on other first before myself. But I was wrong. I wasn't thought of other but myself. Sometimes, what you've done you might not realized. You thought you were thinking of other but other don't think so. Sometimes, caring can end up fucking because you were being over protective that no one ever wants that. Situation that I ain't thought of happen everytimes not at the same place and it makes me feel suck and fool of myself. I thought they were suck and yes they do, but I ever sucker than them. I never learn to take up advise but ignoring makes me what I am today. Road seems unclear, boat seems lost direction, goal seems blurred. I'm standing no where when I thought I've a bunch of friends with me. Is not them that ignoring me, BUT me, I'm the one that shuu them away. I ain't complaining but blaming myself for being stubborn. If I have a chance I don't want to be me. I rather be a statue that helps to creative creativeness of other than being a human that creates chaos.

Feel depress!!!

I feel so depress. No one ever knows what I desire, what I think, or how I live. Mom is always so unfair. My dad is always keeping silent. My second sister, outerly she looks nice, mature, kind, playful and helpful. But what I feel is she is just a pretender. She has a friend that can lay on and make sure her future is peacefully run on. She has a supporter. That’s why she can always avoid from doing staffs that she doesn’t want too. My eldest sister? She’s so selfish that she only cares for herself but abandon her own parents. This is what makes me so pissed off.

Dear Buddha, as you know, the only person I love on earth is my DAD!! I couldn’t see him from getting a bad feedback from other. Yet I’m treating him badly. I hate myself for being unable to protect him. But he just didn’t rise up his right but hold on on his temper that even his eldest daughter I could even slap her if I want to. Dear Buddha, I really dislike to see this scenario to continue but I just don’t know how to avoid. I want to keep my dad happy all the time, I just wanted to help him to lighten up his burden but I myself couldn’t do all that and what make me so angry was my two sisters are like a stature. Are they lazy? Blind? Or what? Dear Buddha, I alone couldn’t do all that burden to lighten up my dad. That’s why I need both my sisters’ help to help to lighten the burden. Dear Buddha, I’m tired of getting the entire job done alone. I couldn’t hold on to this situation as I have my own works too. Mom just keeps on mumble that I’m sick of it and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Dear Buddha, I’m not saying I’m filial daughter but I really don’t know what to do beside showing them my angry face when I saw my family isn’t in a harmony living. I do hate myself for being impatient but there is no one there to understand why I behaved like that. All of them just know how to get mad on me without knowing or wanting to know why I’m in such mood after all. I do feel lucky because I have such a lovely and patient dad with me and he fulfilled most of my dreams and yet I’m disappointing him for what he had in return. Dear Buddha, I really feel lost that I lost all the direction once I saw my dad in such situation. I do love my mom too but the way I love her seems like useless to her. I wanted to help her to lighten up her burden too, but she seems like I’m a slave to her. What I know is, the more I help her the more tired I’m going to be. I have emotions too I’m not a robot that can do all the jobs done for you. So please can you please stop mumble and do your jobs and order the right people to do it. Dear Buddha, I’m not saying without me they will suffered but the whole situation is I want both parties to live in harmony no chaos no quarrels. So, am I or both of my sisters who started the war first? I want my own sweet time too, but everytime I have my spare time, I would think about all the housework that are undone. Why the two of them can pretend it was none of their business? We all living in the same roof top why can’t we cooperate togetherly or take turns to do all the housework? Dear Buddha, I really feel tired to get through all this, I am worrying my future. I’m not pointing fingers at who to blame because I know my behavior more or little influence from the environment I’m living. I should blame myself for being immature thinking. Dear Buddha, am I too naïve? Am I to dependable on my parents? Or who am I? I started to lose myself. I afraid one day I might become the sting-ray that sting on innocent one. Dear Buddha, will I be the evil? Or I have to be the evil to bring back the peace in the water world? Dear Buddha, I really don’t want to lose the person I love.

Someone is avoiding me

At last I can breath, breath for a release that assignments time is over for now. But I found out that someone is avoiding me. Not to mention his/her name but the feeling is there. Am I too sensitive or alert to the surrounding? Maybe I'm too sensitive and guessing too much. In my life, many people had taken the step to avoid me. Yea, I know the reason, seriously I knew. Am kind a bored and that's the first reason why people are getting far and far away from me. Sometimes, my caring is too much that at the end of the period people will feel annoyed and fade up with me. Yet I can't just stood at a side and pretend nothing had happened. My caring sometimes annoyed but I just trying to play a friendly game, no intention on hurting or get someone into troubles. A nice word is called 'caring' if the opposite called 'busybody'. Human are funny and unpredictable. And I know I'm losing my patient-ness. I no longer want a thing to complete in a slow motion way but the faster as I can go is the best. I'm trying not to offer second time of offer yet I just can't make it. And when the second offer disagree from the party, my temper is out. Everytime I wanted to change the anger in me, I just can't. Am I too caring or busybody? And why are you avoiding me????

Am I too Dumb or too Kind??

Am I playing my role correctly?
Sometimes I really wonder why am I born into this world. Seriously, I do get great feedback for the questions I asked but not everytime. I knew life isn't perfect all the time, but I still practice negatively when something isn't good happened. Everyone wants everything to be done perfectly and yes they can make it, but I can't.
I told myself not to be so childish and playful yet I can't make it, but getting worse to worse or it can says seeing hungry ghost floating on the road. Honestly speaking, I do try my best to change. But I don't know why, when I feel the changing time,the next time, I'll change back into the old me. People out there are laughing at me,laughing for not doing my part well.
Sometimes, I really get confused. Why am I being so naive? Till now, I don't really have the answer to this question. But what I heard from everyone is that I'm too childish. Is that so? Or I'm too dumb.
Human love to play with masks but which want is the real mask behind the masks?

Should I feel happy......................... or sad??

The miracle is true when T told me I got 77 for my paper but I cannot feel the 100% happiness when I knew some of my friends were in the bad mood. Why? Why?? All of us had been trying so hard why can't all of us receive the good news. I dislike the feeling of don't know what to do to overcome the situation. Today I should feel the pleasure in me but now I realized although I got the highest I still feel depressed. Sometimes, human are ridiculous, happy yet sad, want yet don't want, flying yet saying themselves walking. Dear Buddha, again I'm lost. Lost because I don't know how to talk sweet and don't know how to overcome this feeling. I predicted that all of us can pass and R get the highest among all of us. Please, please tell me that it was a mistake that all of us can share the laughter again. I don't want to be isolated, I don't want to be famous out of sudden because I have not prepare myself and I know where my ability stands that I can't go far. Although it was my Great 21st birthday gift will I be maintained under my prediction?? I have no courage and I can't afford to lose something huge when I received something big.
Well, I think Buddha planned everything and I believe what he planned, are my goodness. I shouldn't complain much. But if there's a choice, I really hope happiness can reach everyone... No matter what, I am still who I am, I will not change I only go mature. Believe ME!!! Please do always Guide me Buddha!!!

True or Fake??

Unofficially received a miracle stated that I got 77 for my Marketing Strategy exam paper. Honestly, when I saw my mark written on the website, I was happy BUT feel ridiculous because I know where my ability stands. Of course who doesn't want such a mark. What I afraid is, putting too high hope end up higher disappointment. Until my coordinator came into class and told us that those marks stated on the website isn't real because that reveal on 1st marker only whereby it must moderate again through 2nd and 3rd markers. Luckily I never get too excited about it. Coming Wednesday, the TRUE results will be out. Will I be the lucky one to get the mark? Or mistakenly posted up wrong figure. Whatever it is, I already did my best, and I'm gonna leave it to Buddha. Hopefully all of us can pass just keep our fingers cross.

14, 15, 18, 20 Feb 2010

14 Feb: I had a wonderful day on the first day of Chinese New Year and also Valentine itself. My cousins and sisters were all enjoying but I enjoyed the most. My elder cousin spent RM80 plus plus at Starbucks and a lot of photos were taken during our outing and I do posted few of it on the Facebook.

15 Feb: San san and Jian jian came to my place. They are my Happy Angels that I can't stop wanted to hug and see them. Too adorable not to hug them. But Jian jian was crying yet so cute...just love them. And it was the most dareable thing I did on the same day of Chinese New Year. Again the group of us when to Church Street at town area to explore the night life. We bought two boxes of cigarette and a box of poker. Love that experience although I dislike to smoke.

18 Feb: My 2nd sis took me to Gurney with her friends, Munnee sis and friend, Toro, Mavis, Amanda to watch 72 Tenants (Chinese New Year movie). I had a wonderful time enjoying the day.

20 Feb: My classmates came to my house and play fireworks. I took and posted few memorable photos on my Facebook too...we laugh, we shout and enjoyed the day till fullest. We had our dinner at Little Cottage and supper at kopitiam.

Those are my special and in FEB 2010 with my cousins and sisters....XD

My 21st birthday!!!

Is another new year. And this year, is so special that I'm 21. A special thanks goes to my dad and mom who had organized a party for me on the 9th of January. It was a fun day and I've collected the most presents and red packets in my life.

However, I don't know why that the feeling of happy, guilty, and even sad were there. Maybe I'm happy because of receiving a lot of presents and friends attended my party!
Guilty because of my close cousins gave me expensive presents and friends who had contributed so much for me and worried that I might not be able to repay back.
Sad because of ..... I don't know...the feeling is just there.

The happiest thing that I received was, my second sis and $$ sis that had given me a SWATCH watch, stainless steel, which I dreamed long time ago. And yes, they fulfilled it. Buddha bless you all!!
My eldest sis, bought me 2kgs key cake also part of my thankfulness because without her, my birthday will not be as perfect as that day.
My grandma who had given me a gold key and my dad bought me the necklace who had also contributed to make the birthday environment 100% 21st birthday!!
"Mr. Bean" who had given me an unofficially surprise, where his words make me feel save under his arms ~~~~maybe daydream too much~~~ but I'm happy although its just an unofficially surprise...I love you!!
Skin Food cosmetic products which I also dreamed long time ago, thanks to my second sis who chooses for me and my eldest cousin sis who payed for it. iPod is another thing I'm happy of, although is a second hand product but I'm happy too. Its ok, if the thing which first belongs to me wasn't included but I counted lucky. I'm thankful for who I am but not thankful for what I've got. Because I know, to make me who I am, is the willingness that come from you to make me who I am.
And all my friends, thanks for all the presents, the sincerity that contains make me touched and surprises were given...You all are the best!!!

That's what I felt...happy yet guilty, cheerful yet sad and enjoyable yet uncontrollable mind. That's my world, full of negatives and positives.
THANKS guys who had make my 21st Birthday as special as today!!!!
May God Bless All of You and stay cheerful as today. HAKUNA MATATA!!!! muakss..... =D