I feel lost

Recently, I felt myself lost, like a boat, sailing without a clear direction. I couldn't describe how exactly I feel now, but what I know is, there's no direction in my vision. Sometimes, I afraid that I might gone into a wild world that could destroyed other people's life. I really don't want that to happen. I used to love to help other people but not now. The now me is like, I want everything good keep just to myself and dislike sharing. I just don't know why, when come into problems, I avoid them quickly without even bother to give a helping hand or something that might help.
The word "selfish" is mastering myself, controlling me and I feel really lost and out of mind. I keep on scolding others yet I forget to mirror on myself.
The word "helping" make me feel annoyed. I felt people around me is faking, so am I. People willingly fake just to get what they want! Either am I.
Friends are getting far away and away. Am I avoiding them or they avoiding me? I think both. Sometimes, I even call myself bad lucker because I caused most of the unhappily memories for my friends. Yea, I admit that I'm not alert enough, I used to take actions without thinking twice and almost what I've done nothing comes out perfectly. I guess, I'm avoiding my friends because of this. Or is it I afraid they create problems for me? I don't know which am scared of.
And recently, I've just started my degree course and it cost me a lot. I couldn't apply scholarship because I wasn't an active student. LOAN?? I've already taken for my diploma level and half was left over for my degree and the other half was still figuring.
Mum always told me that she works hard to earn more money for my studies. And seeing her like that my heart was so painful. I am already a diploma holder and base on my qualification I don't really can find job easily because the economy was in downturn. Adding to it, there is a barrier for me to look for a job. I really feeling lost. LOST LOST LOST. I have a problem, and I just can't figure out a good and nice way to solve yet I'm using a harsh way to overcome it. Plus I'm a easily get guilty person can't go far. I just don't have the confident in me I guess.
Or I'm a coward? I couldn't think now because my head is spinning. Twisting non-stop that drive me crazy.
I didn't wish to become a devil but recently I think I have to accept this characteristic. Before I can go on my life, the very first thing that I wanted to say is "Thank You" to both my parents, without them I am not who I am. To friends, I appreciated all the kindness you gave me. If I couldn't pay back all my debt, I might be on high penalty right?
I don't know what might happen to me tomorrow, the day after, next year, next two years and so on, what I know is my heart will never changed although my mind changed but trust me in one thing that I'll always love you guys. Although I'm a good pretender but loving one another is a must for me. Caring for each other is also a must for me. But recently, I just couldn't answer why I get bored of it. Too much caring can leads to suffering. This time I choose to be the demon.
People said, I'm a happy-go-lucky person, then I am. People said, I'm a selfish and coward, then I am. No matter what people say about me, I hope I can get through it.
As long as I feel happy, that's more than enough. I am who I am, I hate toleration. I don't like toleration, so don't try to tolerate me.
You guys might not understand what I'm thinking, is alright, because I have my very own blog which I can drop all the joyous and pleasure data in it. Hopefully, the lost feeling could find the way back.
BE YOURSELF, WENDY!!!