Success??

Slowly I'm moving into darkness. Slowly I'm moving out from where I am.
Everything that I have done seems not in the right time and not in the right place, slowly losing my confident, slowly, slowly stepping out from where I belong. I still couldn't find the right direction to my lost ship. My container slowly runs out of petrol. HOW and WHERE or WHO can I get a compass, so that I can sail out, to sail to the right destination before my ship is sinking?? Pirates are everywhere. Even a knowledge limited person knows pirates are evil that kill freely. Am I able to reach my point before I get caught by the pirates??

I'm getting colder and colder in the dark place. All the prayers that I used to pray, no longer exist because my heart was no longer sincere to ask forgiveness from Buddha. Even if I ask, it's just a liar which Buddha hated the most. Where is my Sincerity?

Looking at "Buddha" that turns his back to me makes me feel useless and homeless. Tears drip off pail by pail. I couldn't walk but craw hardly on the ground, hands shivering, legs become iced and body full of wounds.
I've tried to gain my sincerity, but I failed, I failed to do so. I know my mistake but I don't know my mistake. I really wanted to land on the beaches and I hope I can make it, but I need Your guidance.
Will You give me Your guidance without my sincerity? Will You ever come close to me if I'm a devil? Will You still be guiding me if You know my weaknesses?
I'm so sorry Buddha. I don't have the sincerity and faith in myself.

I know, I know Heaven doesn't belong to me, Hell either. I don't want to be a homeless spirit. But I'm not a great fighter and I don't know how to fight. Where am I going to find my strength and weapons? If I have a weapon with me, do I know how to fight? Where is my shelter if the rain pours on me on the ocean?
WHERE and HOW am I supposed to seek the answers to?