Is another new year. And this year, is so special that I'm 21. A special thanks goes to my dad and mom who had organized a party for me on the 9th of January. It was a fun day and I've collected the most presents and red packets in my life.
However, I don't know why that the feeling of happy, guilty, and even sad were there. Maybe I'm happy because of receiving a lot of presents and friends attended my party!
Guilty because of my close cousins gave me expensive presents and friends who had contributed so much for me and worried that I might not be able to repay back.
Sad because of ..... I don't know...the feeling is just there.
The happiest thing that I received was, my second sis and $$ sis that had given me a SWATCH watch, stainless steel, which I dreamed long time ago. And yes, they fulfilled it. Buddha bless you all!!
My eldest sis, bought me 2kgs key cake also part of my thankfulness because without her, my birthday will not be as perfect as that day.
My grandma who had given me a gold key and my dad bought me the necklace who had also contributed to make the birthday environment 100% 21st birthday!!
"Mr. Bean" who had given me an unofficially surprise, where his words make me feel save under his arms ~~~~maybe daydream too much~~~ but I'm happy although its just an unofficially surprise...I love you!!
Skin Food cosmetic products which I also dreamed long time ago, thanks to my second sis who chooses for me and my eldest cousin sis who payed for it. iPod is another thing I'm happy of, although is a second hand product but I'm happy too. Its ok, if the thing which first belongs to me wasn't included but I counted lucky. I'm thankful for who I am but not thankful for what I've got. Because I know, to make me who I am, is the willingness that come from you to make me who I am.
And all my friends, thanks for all the presents, the sincerity that contains make me touched and surprises were given...You all are the best!!!
That's what I felt...happy yet guilty, cheerful yet sad and enjoyable yet uncontrollable mind. That's my world, full of negatives and positives.
THANKS guys who had make my 21st Birthday as special as today!!!!
May God Bless All of You and stay cheerful as today. HAKUNA MATATA!!!! muakss..... =D
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
End of 2009
Great!!!
Another year had passed and everyone is aiming for new hope, new life, new opportunities and new targets. I'm one of them too. Wanted to aim as high as I could and make the success come along my way. I've threw away all the sadness inside me and all the hate-ress as well. It's ok if no one ever understand what I'm thinking because Buddha had created me in the uniqueness way. I love him and I'm sure he loves me too. And not forgotten my lovely parents that guided me since I was a baby.
2009- I've achieved one of my greatest dream which is I've graduated from Diploma...haha....although diploma is just the beginning of life, I'm just very proud of myself, with my CGPA 3.50 and above...and I've always feeling thankful for what I've achieved. Other wishes which were not yet achieved, it's ok, I'll keep on trying and I really hope, Buddha will always be with me. I might be selfish for asking Buddha only keep an eye on me, because I know I wasn't as perfect as you...
I'll keep my hand cross for all of my friends and I'm really glad that although I've not learn much in the year 2009, all of my friends n family are still here with me although one of my Grandpa (lao ku) just passed away early November.
Forget the past and look forward, other can do it, You can do it too Wendy.
Wish myself all the best and for all of you stay happy like I do.
Stay cheer~~~~~ muaks..... XD
Another year had passed and everyone is aiming for new hope, new life, new opportunities and new targets. I'm one of them too. Wanted to aim as high as I could and make the success come along my way. I've threw away all the sadness inside me and all the hate-ress as well. It's ok if no one ever understand what I'm thinking because Buddha had created me in the uniqueness way. I love him and I'm sure he loves me too. And not forgotten my lovely parents that guided me since I was a baby.
2009- I've achieved one of my greatest dream which is I've graduated from Diploma...haha....although diploma is just the beginning of life, I'm just very proud of myself, with my CGPA 3.50 and above...and I've always feeling thankful for what I've achieved. Other wishes which were not yet achieved, it's ok, I'll keep on trying and I really hope, Buddha will always be with me. I might be selfish for asking Buddha only keep an eye on me, because I know I wasn't as perfect as you...
I'll keep my hand cross for all of my friends and I'm really glad that although I've not learn much in the year 2009, all of my friends n family are still here with me although one of my Grandpa (lao ku) just passed away early November.
Forget the past and look forward, other can do it, You can do it too Wendy.
Wish myself all the best and for all of you stay happy like I do.
Stay cheer~~~~~ muaks..... XD
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Misses my younger time!!!
WHEN CAN I BE CURED? I'M LOST!!!
I've met pirates during my sailing time. Those pirates were so cruel. They didn't kill me but tided me up with a rope and threw me into the sea. I can hardly breathe and I see many poison reptilians swimming in front of my eyes. Those reptile wanted to bit me, but thank God, I was save under his arms. When those pirates pull me out from drowning, I started to keep malice and wanted to revenge till the fullest. Where the hack those pirates come from. Can't they see that I've no money nor foods for them? And again, I'm weapon-less. When the malice inside me become stronger and stronger, I ignored everyone that come to me. I confused. Are they good or bad guys. I can't differentiate it correctly.
That's life. When you feel that your life is getting nearer to the achievement, barrier(s) will come(s) in. Hardly predict. If you were a smart one, you might be alive from those pirates, but if you are totally the opposite one, please say bye bye earlier. I'm the opposite one, and I've already say bye bye but how come I can't see my ending road yet?
I've met pirates during my sailing time. Those pirates were so cruel. They didn't kill me but tided me up with a rope and threw me into the sea. I can hardly breathe and I see many poison reptilians swimming in front of my eyes. Those reptile wanted to bit me, but thank God, I was save under his arms. When those pirates pull me out from drowning, I started to keep malice and wanted to revenge till the fullest. Where the hack those pirates come from. Can't they see that I've no money nor foods for them? And again, I'm weapon-less. When the malice inside me become stronger and stronger, I ignored everyone that come to me. I confused. Are they good or bad guys. I can't differentiate it correctly.
That's life. When you feel that your life is getting nearer to the achievement, barrier(s) will come(s) in. Hardly predict. If you were a smart one, you might be alive from those pirates, but if you are totally the opposite one, please say bye bye earlier. I'm the opposite one, and I've already say bye bye but how come I can't see my ending road yet?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
????
I started to become quiet in the family, quiet because of too much pressure or because of tiredness,I have no idea. There is a sentence say, "everybody makes mistakes; that's why they put erasers on pencils". I found the sentence meaningful and so true about me. I know I'm kind of person who keep repeating the same mistake yet I can't figure out the mistake I've done. All the sadness in me I prefer to discover by other rather than speak it out and that's the reason why I dislike forcing as I know the ending of the forcing might end up ugly. I'm 100% sure that there is no one really understand me where I can't even know myself.
Today, Buddha has given me another chance of living where I should have now laying in the hospital if the motorcyclist doesn't hold his break. Is Buddha's decision right for giving me the chance as I feel I don't deserve it. Honestly speaking I'm too weak to continue my life too weak to find another way for my journey. But I really feel Thankful for that chance. The weaker will soon become herself I guess.......no matter what, I will still protecting myself.
Today, Buddha has given me another chance of living where I should have now laying in the hospital if the motorcyclist doesn't hold his break. Is Buddha's decision right for giving me the chance as I feel I don't deserve it. Honestly speaking I'm too weak to continue my life too weak to find another way for my journey. But I really feel Thankful for that chance. The weaker will soon become herself I guess.......no matter what, I will still protecting myself.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Disatisfaction
Why me? Why me? Why me?
I feel unfair to do all the jobs. I have to do the cleaning, the take-over/replacement, and all unwanted job. I feel tired to go on. The fact is I have choices but why you just don't let me try it. You make me feel that I'm useless,nonindependent, and a loser in everything. You should know when to let go of me instead of asking me to be by your side. If you want, I can hire a servant to help you out. Please don't tell everyone that you are doing good for me because you make feel that I can't live without you. Why my happy mood always spoiled by you? Am I not good enough for you? I know you are good to me but it's too over. Why must you tell everyone the good things that you have done? Can't you just keep quiet and do it silently? I feel bored, motion-less and speechless. The love that I used to give has become sympathy. The angry-ness in me has become my habit. Wherever I saw you, that's my attitude to you. Am I not enough toleration? Or you gave me too much of toleration until I disobey you? Do you ever know that whenever I mad of you, my heart is hurting? NO one understand why my attitude turns in a blink of an eye. The madness in me has reached 99%, afraid I might gone up to 101%.
I don't want to be a housewife. I wanted to concentrate in my studies because I need times to adjust my study skill. I'm not a fast learner like other.
Maybe I'm brave-less to object but I only have braveness in showing my habit.
I did complaint but it seems worst from time to time. You did it on purpose? How come I feel you hand me most of your job to me?? I really can't take it anymore because I feel the pain on my body. Can I reject and live my life that I wanted to be? I just can't make it because I know you are suffering. If I feel pitiful to you then who feel pitiful to me? If so then the evil would be me. I'm not trying to be heroin but I'm trying to protect myself.
I feel unfair to do all the jobs. I have to do the cleaning, the take-over/replacement, and all unwanted job. I feel tired to go on. The fact is I have choices but why you just don't let me try it. You make me feel that I'm useless,nonindependent, and a loser in everything. You should know when to let go of me instead of asking me to be by your side. If you want, I can hire a servant to help you out. Please don't tell everyone that you are doing good for me because you make feel that I can't live without you. Why my happy mood always spoiled by you? Am I not good enough for you? I know you are good to me but it's too over. Why must you tell everyone the good things that you have done? Can't you just keep quiet and do it silently? I feel bored, motion-less and speechless. The love that I used to give has become sympathy. The angry-ness in me has become my habit. Wherever I saw you, that's my attitude to you. Am I not enough toleration? Or you gave me too much of toleration until I disobey you? Do you ever know that whenever I mad of you, my heart is hurting? NO one understand why my attitude turns in a blink of an eye. The madness in me has reached 99%, afraid I might gone up to 101%.
I don't want to be a housewife. I wanted to concentrate in my studies because I need times to adjust my study skill. I'm not a fast learner like other.
Maybe I'm brave-less to object but I only have braveness in showing my habit.
I did complaint but it seems worst from time to time. You did it on purpose? How come I feel you hand me most of your job to me?? I really can't take it anymore because I feel the pain on my body. Can I reject and live my life that I wanted to be? I just can't make it because I know you are suffering. If I feel pitiful to you then who feel pitiful to me? If so then the evil would be me. I'm not trying to be heroin but I'm trying to protect myself.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Is lying a good medicine?
I feel lucky to be myself yet I feel shameful of being myself. My stupidity make me feel/look foolish, uncomfortable, idiotic, edu-less, unconfident, guilty in most of the things I did and looks like a clown in everyone’s mind. I lost my status from the early in the beginning when my story-line starts. I feel homeless that my body always feeling the wetness when the rain pours, I feel the empty-nest inside myself and also loneliness in me. Totally no idea where I learned it from. I'm getting older and older by passing this life-cycle. Life is short yet I'm wasting it without a stop sign. I'm looking for the U-turn sign to give me a chance to look deeper into the sea. When I found that sign, I found a hungry shark as well, waiting for me to feed him. I'm strength-less to find him foods. What I can do is, offering myself to make his meal full with happiness. Sometimes, staying in the shark's stomach is far better than staying beside the border. At least I found a clearer picture in where I am now. Adventuring is no longer lasting in my journey list because I couldn't find a correct path for every journeys in my list. The guilty-ness always playing his role so well that I couldn't reach out help. Or I can say dislike help. Babies grow become adult, chicks grow become chickens, kittens grow become cats and puppies grow become dogs but where am I belong? Who's controlling my soul so well? Snakes hiss, lions roar, cows moo, and ducks quack, all of the sound sound sweetly yet I'm still searching for my very own voice with confusing map. "Human are not 100% perfect" this is how I'm staying my life with it.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Success??
Slowly I'm moving into darkness. Slowly I'm moving out from where I am.
Everything that I have done seems not in the right time and not in the right place, slowly losing my confident, slowly, slowly stepping out from where I belong. I still couldn't find the right direction to my lost ship. My container slowly runs out of petrol. HOW and WHERE or WHO can I get a compass, so that I can sail out, to sail to the right destination before my ship is sinking?? Pirates are everywhere. Even a knowledge limited person knows pirates are evil that kill freely. Am I able to reach my point before I get caught by the pirates??
I'm getting colder and colder in the dark place. All the prayers that I used to pray, no longer exist because my heart was no longer sincere to ask forgiveness from Buddha. Even if I ask, it's just a liar which Buddha hated the most. Where is my Sincerity?
Looking at "Buddha" that turns his back to me makes me feel useless and homeless. Tears drip off pail by pail. I couldn't walk but craw hardly on the ground, hands shivering, legs become iced and body full of wounds.
I've tried to gain my sincerity, but I failed, I failed to do so. I know my mistake but I don't know my mistake. I really wanted to land on the beaches and I hope I can make it, but I need Your guidance.
Will You give me Your guidance without my sincerity? Will You ever come close to me if I'm a devil? Will You still be guiding me if You know my weaknesses?
I'm so sorry Buddha. I don't have the sincerity and faith in myself.
I know, I know Heaven doesn't belong to me, Hell either. I don't want to be a homeless spirit. But I'm not a great fighter and I don't know how to fight. Where am I going to find my strength and weapons? If I have a weapon with me, do I know how to fight? Where is my shelter if the rain pours on me on the ocean?
WHERE and HOW am I supposed to seek the answers to?
Everything that I have done seems not in the right time and not in the right place, slowly losing my confident, slowly, slowly stepping out from where I belong. I still couldn't find the right direction to my lost ship. My container slowly runs out of petrol. HOW and WHERE or WHO can I get a compass, so that I can sail out, to sail to the right destination before my ship is sinking?? Pirates are everywhere. Even a knowledge limited person knows pirates are evil that kill freely. Am I able to reach my point before I get caught by the pirates??
I'm getting colder and colder in the dark place. All the prayers that I used to pray, no longer exist because my heart was no longer sincere to ask forgiveness from Buddha. Even if I ask, it's just a liar which Buddha hated the most. Where is my Sincerity?
Looking at "Buddha" that turns his back to me makes me feel useless and homeless. Tears drip off pail by pail. I couldn't walk but craw hardly on the ground, hands shivering, legs become iced and body full of wounds.
I've tried to gain my sincerity, but I failed, I failed to do so. I know my mistake but I don't know my mistake. I really wanted to land on the beaches and I hope I can make it, but I need Your guidance.
Will You give me Your guidance without my sincerity? Will You ever come close to me if I'm a devil? Will You still be guiding me if You know my weaknesses?
I'm so sorry Buddha. I don't have the sincerity and faith in myself.
I know, I know Heaven doesn't belong to me, Hell either. I don't want to be a homeless spirit. But I'm not a great fighter and I don't know how to fight. Where am I going to find my strength and weapons? If I have a weapon with me, do I know how to fight? Where is my shelter if the rain pours on me on the ocean?
WHERE and HOW am I supposed to seek the answers to?
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