Happy yet guilty

I suppose to be happy but I destroyed the happiness. The feeling of disappointment is now concurring my heart, soul and mind. The innocent me, now changed to devil. Lying, cheating and pretending is my no.1 skill, I'm pro in that. I wish I have a chance to act in a drama. Definitely, I'll win the award of best liar. I have cheated and fooled the world. How can I ever did that? But don't worry, I know the justice will play fairly, the cheater will soon be caught and embarrass in front of the trillion audience. No one ever make mistake. Yes, very true context, yet I keep on doing the same mistake. When can I wake up, wake up and face the reality that I'm a loser and afraid of failure in reality? All those positive words that I had given, are pointless. Pointless from the starting. I'm tired and bored of it. I couldn't use the ability given by god appropriately. I keep on blaming and finding excuse to cover the problem one after another. I never try to stand alone. How can I turned into this bitch? I had betrayed myself.